The word no is a word i do not like to use often in regards to most aspects of my life. I find that on average i probably say No far less than most people I know. Trying to figure out the reason for this i have come up with countless theories some flattering to my character and others obvious  flaws. At the end of the day saying no is unavoidable and as much as i may wish i could help everyone who asks me for a favor out it is not possible without over extending myself.  People detect Yes people very easily and unfortunately the climate of the world we live in is that when you find yourself saying yes all the time even against your better judgment you will encounter people who abuse your seemingly kind nature. I have definitely come in contact with my fair share of people who use the fact that i don't like letting people down as open season asking me for help even when it is clear that i can barely handle my own duties yet alone dealing with added pressure that is not my responsibility.  Ask anyone who knows me personally and i think they would tell you about my willingness to help. As I grow older I have come to the realization that as uncomfortable as i feel saying No when someone asks for my help, It doesn't make me a bad person it just means that I recognize my limitations which is something I never used to do. Taking on other peoples problems/ responsibilities  or you name it can be a heavy burden that can take a tole on a person. the moral of this post is the affirmation that yes its ok to say no especially when you want to. 

Make a list

This week I decided to be spontaneous and do something i once considered a complete  waste of time. To be quite honest I still do not totally see the logic behind this but hey there is no harm either. So i decided to dictate my destiny by writing a clear list of the things i expect my future husband to like. Funnily enough writing this list took me all but five minutes and it amazed me that subconsciously i know exactly what i am looking for. There are certain things i wont compromise on but they are a few that I am willing to overlook.

What brought about this list is a question I keep asking myself. Maybe its the fact that I am single in my twenties and everywhere I turn someone I know is in a relationship of some sort. Seeing people you grew up with settling down makes you question a lot of things especially when its all going to happen for you, when it does what will it be like and furthermore your expectations. Come to think of it every girl needs a list  that her dream man should aspire too. Some may call it being picky, but as far as I am concerned  knowing what you want saves you wasting your time with someone who wont give you the things that make you happy. I have seen it so many times we as women being afraid to openly say clearly what we want out of fear of being labelled a defamatory term that people seem to use way to freely when a girl is clear about her intentions. Needless to say my list did include an element of financial stability and no that doesn't make me a gold digger, in fact on the contrary I would never pursue a man based solely on the contents of his bank account. Being in my twenties I am exposed to the fact that love does not pay the bills, so i want someone who is ambitious enough to aim to their full potential. Someone who wants to work hard and make money, because I am that kind of person too. 

My list includes many superficial elements and i am not ashamed to admit that, most of this however is not set in stone. I also realize that living up to my list is not going to be an easy task but i have a vision of sitting down ten years from now looking at my list and being in awe of how lucky i am that my list manifested itself,. Ask and you shall receive they say, and i am a huge believer in the power of positive thinking on the big scale of things. 

So what will I do with my list??? The plan is to keep its under lock and key and only remove it when someone special comes along. So i wont touch it even if it take 20 years, because as far as i am concerned when it comes to something as volatile and fragile as a womens heart preparation is key. And No i wont be revealing my list to anyone...

But I do challenge women who happen to read this blog to do the same. Sit down and look into your soul to uncover exactly what you deserve. Put it down on paper and let destiny do the rest

xoxox

We live among Giants...

'Durban Special Tribute' image courtesy of www.news24.com

I dislike news… well I dislike watching it anyway. I think it focuses too much on the negative. It may sound quite ignorant (or maybe that’s too strong a word) but really hearing about war, murder and all that is bad in this world can leave you feeling quite helpless, fearful, angry and less than optimistic about the world we live in.

People close to me, will tell you that it’s kind of ironic that I am not a fan of news...especially because I have ultimately chosen a career that demands that news take a central role in my life. And well despite my dislike for news, I pay attention to it, without giving it much internal focus, unless I am emotionally affected.
 
And well for the past few days, like most people in the world I have been emotionally affected by the news of Nelson Mandela’s Death. It is a weird feeling, on one hand we all knew he was old and could die at any moment but at the same time we hoped he would live forever, he was that great a person.

A lot has been written and will continue to be written about him, about his legacy, who he was and what he worked for. I am not going to spend time on that especially because my words wouldn't do justice to the immense gratitude, respect and admiration that I have for this great statesmen.

That being said, I think the best words that come to mind about Madiba, were made yesterday, at his state funeral, by her Excellency President Joyce Banda of Malawi, who said "I learnt that leadership is about falling in love with the people that you serve and the people falling in love with you". I thought that was so perfect, and fitting because that sums up how the world over felt about Mandela. 

In essence I am writing today, with Nelson Mandela in mind, because his passing has reminded me that despite all the bad things that happen in this world, despite the unthinkable cruelty, and problems we still need to overcome as human beings…, giants walk among us!

These giants bring to life our greatest aspirations as human beings, they make us believe that we can overcome anything, and that fear has no power over love, they make us want to be and do greater. They make us believe in and work towards a better world, a world in which we are not so self-serving. They teach us that we aren't separate from other people, that separateness is an illusion, a lie… they teach us tolerance, humility, understanding and remind us that love is the most natural emotion we can and should express to our fellow man regardless of how they look or where they come from.

Nelson Mandela was truly a giant, a super hero…possibly cooler than the ones we read about in comic books or watch in blockbuster movies because he was so human, so real. He didn't pretend to be perfect or flawless, nor did he hide his imperfections, in fact he publicly acknowledged that he was a ‘sinner who was trying’. As a strong believer in the championing of all human rights, I look to this Giants life and take comfort in knowing that even the smallest of efforts can make a difference in the long term, and that no matter how tough a situation looks or how depressing it makes you feel (yes I am thinking of news here), it is often necessary to be aware of the bad, to understand it, to learn from it and to understand that no matter what good always prevails.

R.I.P Madiba,  and  most importantly thank you, for having shone your light, your courage, your spirit on the history of mankind. Thank you for having affected me, my world and for teaching me that i lose nothing by showing tolerance or respect for others despite our perceived differences.

December is finally here and for the first time in a long time I am not feeling the Christmas spirit. I remember a time when the mere thought of Christmas would excite me senseless. Seeing Christmas lights, Christmas shopping not to mention the free pass I gave myself during Christmas time to eat any and everything where all things I waited for impatiently throughout the year. Last year was the first time I spent away from my parents and siblings as I was back home in Zambia trying to get a VISA to come to the UK. For someone who spent every waking moment with their family especially during any holiday of note it was a huge shock for me, but I knew then and there that sadly it’s a part of life and the older and more ambitious I become I am unlikely to spend as many holidays with my family as I have become accustomed to.

The nostalgic memories I have from my childhood make me wonder if I will ever be able to have holidays that come as close to the ones of my past. Somehow the novelty of waking up on Christmas morning is not as exciting as it once seemed. I could blame it on growing up or moving away from my family, but I think the real reason is the realisation that there is a lot more to Christmas than I originally bothered to care about. It’s funny that once Christmas is over everything is back to normal. The lights go down and people just are not as friendly as they appeared. The temporary nature of the whole thing makes me weary to fully immense myself in the Christmas spirit that has seemingly gripped everyone once again this year.

This post may seem like it is being written by the Grinch herself, but in retrospect my feelings this year are unlikely to remain the same overtime. I am hopeful that something magical will happen somewhere somehow that will allow me to feel the way I used to feel about Christmas.

When is the right time to talk to kids about sex?

I have been thinking about this question a lot since attending a workshop on kids TV programmes, which had the objective of ‘finding ways to entertain yet educate children through T.V. Now at the beginning of the workshop we talked about key words that shape up the world of children, and when it came to the age group for 12-15, someone in the room mentioned sexuality and sex being important...which prompted the funniest gasps in the room!

I swear it was like someone had just committed blasphemy of the highest order! One of my colleagues actually remarked that we have no business making sex a part of the world of a 12-15 yr old child. 

I have no children but I do have a twelve year old sister, a beautiful sister who I know looks up to her older sisters and one I work hard to have an open relationship with. Just interacting with my sister and laughing, joking around with her, makes me appreciate how intelligent she is and how she is not blind to things like sexuality or sex. My sister is a ‘tween’ basically a girl knocking at adolescence door.  She is at the stage in her life where family and friends influence her outlook, individuality and understanding of certain things. She is also a part of a generation that has easy access to internet.

That being said, I think it’s almost naive to think that a 12-15 year old person has never heard about sex. In some cases some 12-15 year olds have already began experimenting with sex. The thing is how many of them really understand what kind of responsibility comes with having sex, especially because some adults will not talk about it openly its totally taboo. I understand it’s a way of protecting our children but actually what are we protecting them from?

 
Children of this era in my opinion (and I am in my twenties) are growing up faster and are faced with adult concerns a lot earlier than even my generation were...they don’t play outside like we did they play on the internet and communicate almost always through phones. They have access to information, all kinds of information including inaccurate information. Should we not be more concerned about making sure that they have all the facts they need and are able to feel comfortable and free enough to ask question of us adults because we have more practical experience, even were the questions asked put us in rather uncomfortable situations.

The bottom line for me I think is that its time to give credit to the children around us, to understand that they are far more aware of the world then we give them credit for...and we aren’t ruining their childhood by allowing them to ask questions about sex, the changes in their bodies, hormones or sexuality...

Just a Random thought!

Being friends with a girl is hard work

When you get a room full of women together drama is sure to follow. The other day i was watching an episode of the real housewives of Atlanta and with every new scene came some sort of screaming match. As i watched one of the most popular shows on television today I wondered what is it about women well into their thirties fighting that makes me sit glued to my screen week after week with a feeling slight depression when i manage to miss an episode. The answer is somewhat complex I have come to realise. The dynamics of women when they are in a group are something to marvel at. Very rarely do all the women in a so called close group of friends get along think talking behind one another’s backs, occasional tension and snide remarks. 

The one thing i admire about guys in groups is their ability to move on. Guys can date he same girl and still be friends which is something girls cannot accept. Guys can enjoy banter back and forth and be honest with each other about anything. Ladies on the other hand have to watch what they say because even without intention of hurting your friend things can be twisted to make it seem like something its not. When you do something to a girl she is more than likely to tell a couple of people what you supposedly did and before you know it something small is blown out of proportion. Guys have their flaws naturally but with regard to friendships we have to give them props.

The older I have gotten the smaller my circle of friends has become. I stick to people who understand me and know me enough to know that I do not base my actions on hurting people. I have more guy friends than girls and it’s so much easier. I have a select group of people I can tell my secrets to and i am not ashamed to admit they include my blood sisters and a guy cousin. Hey if you cant count on your family who can you count on.

 

Fights are going to erupt if we don’t change our mind sets. We need to let things go and be open and more honest to  people who have proven they can be trusted. Also we need to stop judging one another and respect the rights of a lady to act how she wants to act without chiming in on why its unacceptable. Trust me the only thing that will ensure we can watch a TV program where people tune in for the sisterhood rather than the drama a fight scene which is sure to come our way.  Yes its hard to get along with girls, but when you find the right friends girls will always have your back and protect you till the end. Carving out the rotten apples is the hard part

In Defence of Emotions

  

Emotion ɪˈməʊʃ(ə)n/noun

plural noun: emotions

1. a strong feeling deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others[1]

These days it’s not difficult to go online and find some meme dedicated to making fun of Drake. You see for a rapper Drake has been called ‘soft’ because he expresses some kind of emotion in his lyrics. Rap music isn’t known for expressing too many feelings…

I am no music connoisseur by profession but I come from a family that seriously enjoys music, and rap music has always been a feature amongst my cousins and even some aunts and uncles.  It’s from this premise that I can say that I have come to understood rap music as being a poetic outlet in which people express their story, be it actual experience, a fantasy or a ridiculous dream! Yes it’s a predominantly male industry and I have read about, seen and heard how there’s just no room for (gulp) feelings or emotions!

I have had discussions with peers about Drake being talented but just way too ‘sensitive’. Ultimately I have observed how showing any type of emotion especially in a predominantly masculine society makes you weak or rather makes you get labelled as weak or wait a ‘soft person’ (what an injustice).! Because you see in a masculine society, we are all (men and women) predominately logical, and focused more on reason than on feeling.

Yes ok maybe I am a tad bit biased because I am a really big fan of Drakes’, and because I am a person who is well aware and in touch with her emotions. And while this is true, me being emotional that is, it is also true that I am not very expressive of that fact because I am not inclined to being vulnerable, it’s a twisted situation! Or maybe it is what I took from the world an observation that showed me that being vulnerable makes you a victim and I am not inclined to being a victim.

The fact is sharing your emotions/feelings makes you vulnerable, to hurt to ridicule, to something genuinely uncomfortable. And in a world where being in control of oneself is safe, I have to say I admire people like Drake because there’s a certain strength in being vulnerable…courage I believe Brené Brown[2] calls it.

The word courage stemmed from the Latin word Cor,  it’s original meaning as Brené Brown highlights in her TED talk was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. It isn’t easy and I struggle with it, but as I grow the more comfortable I become in affording my emotions an opportunity for expression whenever and however they are so inclined. Maybe I am finally seeing the beauty in being vulnerable sometimes, the strength in being brave enough to intensely feel what the world has to offer, and the world has so much to offer (still).

So in defence of emotions and of artists like Drake who dare to put a part of their soul into their work… There’s no such thing as too much emotion! There’s nothing wrong with showing your whole heart and/or emotions…it’s liberating! Emotions spark revolutions, are the catalysts of change affect others and allow them to know and connect to your story. It’s part of what makes us human…

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[1] http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/emotion. Above image courtesy of http://www.trendycovers.com/covers/Fingers+Heart-685

[2] Watch her Ted talk ITS AWESOME… http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html